Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I'm a slacker

And I suck at getting jobs on campus. I thought Dining Services was always hiring... Apparently they're all full. I should have done this first year, but there you are.

I've been lagging behind on pretty much everything: socializing, job searching, studying, and writing. I've yet to finish my review of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, which I need to get out of the way sooner or later since that piece of shit really deserves a once-over. With pipes.

Also I haven't really written much that's in a positive light of any kind, and the only personal information I've cared to disclose is probably too sensitive for most peeps my age to touch. At least that's what the comment count suggests. No, I'm not going to dumb down my attitude towards religion and pseudoscience. That's a part of who I am, and goddammit it's interesting to talk about. At the very least it's a critically important topic.

I'll have to do more to advertise my blog, but first I actually need something to work with. So starting today I'm going to be posting daily, just to get anything that's on my mind down into text where it could be more meaningful.

Because seriously, summer alone blows. At least it's almost over.

To start off these daily triads and rants, I guess I could talk a little about the coming semester on campus. I'm really looking forward to seeing everyone again, although sometimes I ask myself why. It's not like I had such promise in the previous year, either socially or academically. The academic troubles are entirely due to my being a slacker and I'm trying to get my GPA up so that studying abroad is a more viable option, but the social issues continue to mystify me. I often feel like I haven't connected with anyone in a meaningful way, and if I have it's hard to say my efforts have been acknowledged.

Every now and then I make an effort to keep regular contact with someone and the favor is rarely returned. I find myself telling classmates to keep me in the loop because I'm especially inept when it comes to staying in touch with others, and they just don't. Do I have to call every time to ask? Is that how it works? Is that only how it works with certain people? Nobody tells me, so how am I supposed to know? I've made the mistake of being overly eager when it comes to getting to know somebody and trying to hang out with them, but nobody told me this was a mistake even when they knew how unbelievably awkward I am. I feel like such a pest sometimes. And then when I give people time to think my requests over, they evidently think me away, since almost nobody calls me back. I have no idea what the middle ground is, since I've never had a "normal" social life, the kind where you just get to know people you see every day and meet up with the people you like. I don't know what that's like.

And it doesn't help my self-esteem either when almost everyone I try to talk to seems like they'd rather be somewhere else. It would actually be refreshing if a would-be acquaintance just told me to fuck off. At least then it wouldn't be a guessing game. I hate to sound so pessimistic, but how else am I supposed to react when so few people ask anything of me? I've heard that people like to talk about themselves and will prefer when someone shows interest in their lives, yet somehow many see fit to answer me in monosyllabic responses and then end the flow of the conversation then and there.

It's not as if I like being alone. Really, I can't stand it. I've had over three years to get used to being disliked and avoided and spending so much time by myself, and it turns out I'm not very durable. I don't bend, I break. I'm not sure I can ever get used to that kind of isolation. I'm just too damn sensitive. Yeah, wearing my heart on my sleeve is a bad move, but I can't let anyone get the idea that I prefer to be this way or that I'm especially impervious to emotional stress.

I don't know. Am I that unappealing? I'm not sure what to change. I've been trying to appear as nice as I genuinely feel towards people. Do I seem disingenuous? I can't really help it. I tried explaining to people that I don't express my heartfelt emotions naturally, and that's it's really an exercise in acting every time, even though the feelings are all real. And you could say my classmates have been nice to me in return, which they have, but I know that people can just be nice out of courtesy. Often I take their word for it and it doesn't necessarily end well.

Another point about the overly-eager problem I have: I've read in a book about love for people with Asperger's Syndrome, and apparently the appeal women often see in men with Asperger's is their apparent independence of socializing or pursuits in a love life ("apparent" being the key word since aspies greatly differ from those with autism in that they desire more social contact and acceptance), like getting a break from men who are too eager to enter into a relationship or get into bed. This just makes it worse for me since in that regard I've blown it. I'm always so eager to find some kind of connection with someone, and with my awkwardness that must kill whatever appeal there ever was in me. It's so rarely an intellectual matter for me, so I don't identify with that aspect of the Syndrome.

It's a painful learning process to say the least. I just have to keep going and try not to repeat my mistakes. Still though, I can't help but feel like I'm just not getting enough in return. Whatever I do, I'm not going to pretend. I might be socially impaired, but I know there should be more to a social life than making your personality a complete fabrication.

It's not all bad though, I guess. I'm going to be talking to people more often now that our campus group for secularists if finally getting off the ground. And that's something I'm going to be working on a lot of the time, so my interests in science and rationality at least have a place in my efforts to connect with others. And it's not as though I'm giving up on the campus job search. I won't accept unemployment as an option this semester, so there's another place I could familiarize myself with other students. I still wish I could get that job in the Dining Hall though. You pretty much see everybody that way.

I'm only 20. I have time.

1 comment:

  1. Awww. Hang in there dude, and remember, your'e awesome! (((HUG)))