Monday, August 17, 2009

Confidence problems.

It's hard not to have them when your family's relationships are best defined by mutual disrespect. My parents don't respect my sisters, my sisters don't respect me or my mom, and nobody really respects my dad. The whole religious guilt equation doesn't help either.

All of it just builds into my fear of not being taken seriously. Especially since all my school years were filled with me being a spaz and all my "friends" being sure that I was mentally impaired. And aforementioned family feels the need to scold me for minor mistakes as though it indicated something was terribly wrong with me. Just today we were ordering takeout (from a friend's house that's a ways away, since my dad has a tendency to inform me of these things at the last minute, so some of my virtual crops withered) and as soon as I got the menu my sister told me to hurry up. They took their time looking at the menu so I don't know why I got a warning even though I hadn't done anything. And then when they called the place up we were told they ran out of one side dish I'd ordered, I asked for a little clarification and my sister scolded me again saying "Just. Pick. Something." As if I couldn't grasp that concept. I hate being talked down to like that.

I don't know if this has to do with their awareness of the fact that I (and possibly my dad) have Asperger's Syndrome, but it shows a pretty cruel interpretation of it, where somehow my being aware of it means I'm still responsible for the way my minds works. (I'm still worrisome about the idea that I may become more like my dad in the future, both slow and impatient.) And I don't know what this means for the people I know at school. My social anxiety is not nearly as bad as it used to be, but when I lack confidence in myself it tends to show in the way I act around others. I don't know what some people would think if they knew that I talk to myself in private at times or that I flap my hands when I get excited. I'm getting better I guess, but some things will never change.

At least I have some more direction right now. (I pretty much typed this up because I couldn't think of much else to write about. Enjoy my complaining rants!)

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