Thursday, December 24, 2009

Atonement and learning

I don't know what I can say to begin to atone for what I've done, the things I've said, how thoughtless I've been. I didn't realize how badly you hurt, all because of me. You don't have any reason to believe me when I say I never wanted to hurt you. You may never forgive me for what I said that night, when I didn't realize what I was saying. It was so thoughtless it doesn't matter if I meant it or not, the injury was all the same. And everything prior to that, when you already had enough of my insubstantial troubles, when I was so neglecting your feelings by pining for someone else, while you were right there, all along. Your patience and forgiveness have been pushed to their limits, and it's far more than I could have ever asked for.

And even now as you show your kindness yet again, I begin to doubt that I can ever truly forgive myself. I'm trying. I'm trying to move on. I'm trying to leave her be, in life and in mind, trying to appreciate what I have now. The fact that I so badly jeopardized what we had, and was so oblivious to your pain... I know you hate promises, so I'll try instead. I can never make it up to you, but I'll try. I'm not even sure I can say I'm a good person, but I'm trying.

I just can't believe I didn't know all this before. I can't believe I actually had to learn it, and now of all times. I am learning though. I may be a complete idiot, but I can still learn. How could I not after all I've put you through? After having it hammered home so thoroughly, there's no more illusions, no more fantasies, no more games. I'm trying to appreciate what we really have, here, now. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I've said that before, but it's more pressing than ever, to the point where every waking moment I fear that I've lost you. This will be bearing down on me for some time, no matter what happens, I imagine. Oh God... I'm sorry.

It's only been a few days, but I miss you more than ever. I want to see you again. I'm not sure I can hold back the tears when that happens. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't want to lose you.

You're my best friend, Xiaohuan.

I love you.