Monday, August 24, 2009

Still more personal uncertainty.

These last few days, the procrastination dial has been turned way up. I haven't even been responsible enough to keep studying Chinese, which I actually like doing. At least I know how I'm going to keep up on class material from now on. I've got to get my act together and actually live up to the "student" status I claim to have. This is especially true if I'm going to study in China next year. My GPA isn't good enough right now, so I really need to start getting A's, something I'm not at all accustomed to.

And this is most probably going to be especially difficult since I'm taking four classes again instead of three, not including the phys-ed course I finally managed to sign up for in one block this semester. Two of the other classes are pretty much variations of my Chinese studies, one being International Relations, and the other simply being US/China Relations. I'm hoping this actually leads somewhere, since it's the first legitimate interest I've shown in an actual field of study.

The fourth class is an anthropology class about female sexuality, because I feel as though I ought to be more knowledgeable in something I've been raised to be completely ignorant of. Really, when you're raised in a conservative Catholic household - where sexuality is a focal point of guilt, and where the epitome of female virtue is an obedient, subservient virgin whose greatest achievement is humbly allowing a sky god to impregnate her - you'll soon realize you know absolutely nothing about human nature in general, much less complex issues of sexuality. I also have a personal reason for trying to learn about this. Like I said before, I didn't learn anything worthwhile about my own sexuality or that of others when I grew up, to the point where I was misinformed into believing that homosexuality was a mental disorder. And my own lack of personal intuition ensures that I can't figure out anything on my own. I need resources and experience, and since the latter is sorely lacking, I'm hoping I'll have access to more of the former.

I really have no clue where my studies are leading me. I'm just hoping something can get through to me to get some idea of what I'm going to do with my life. East Asian studies sounds interesting and meaningful enough, so I'm going for it.

As for my social life... I know that for me it's not as simple as pursuing my work and letting the rest unfold itself, but I have to set my priorities. And my first priority is my academics. I do hope something good comes about in the meantime.

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