Friday, January 28, 2011


I'm back from China, blogging because I couldn't while I was there and because I have nothing else to do. So if you want to ask how I'm doing or how was China or how I'm settling back into the US, I'll just be brutally honest here to save you the trouble.

I'm fucking miserable. My time in China sucked. And I'm depressed now that I'm back in the States.

Now let me give a rushed, rambling half-sentence defense here for the China program and China in general and how it wasn't the culture or the country or the college program that was the problem and that it was all because I couldn't adapt etc etc. Right, now that that's out of the way, the bitching can begin. I hated being in China. I hated the feeling I had whenever I went out, knowing I had nowhere to go and nothing to do and anything we did as a program I had absolutely no interest in. I saw the Great Wall and the Forbidden City and the Temple of Heaven and all those places everyone wants to see and wants to know what it was like, and I had no fucking interest in any of it. Sure it had an impact at the time to be seeing these relics and historical monuments firsthand, and I'm sure I'm the envy of someone who longs to go to Asia themselves some day, but you know what? I could have been playing Half-Life 2. One video game strikes my interest more than the entire semester at PKU. I'm just that sort of person, I guess. It turns out I don't care for sightseeing. At all. It's just not interesting to me, and all the hours walking around looking for things to look at would have been better spent in front of a TV or a computer, playing games and watching videos.

Don't go abroad if you're lonesome and have social anxieties. You know what's worse than not being able to follow conversation through body language? Not being able to follow conversation because you can't understand what the fuck the other person is saying. My Chinese sucks. I'm still working on improving it and I plan on using it in future, but it was next to useless when I was in China. The only thing I could do through language was ensure I didn't starve to death. There was no way in hell I could carry a conversation entirely in Chinese. Are you kidding me? I couldn't even carry a conversation in English, what makes you think I'd be able to socialize with people in another language? The only people I could talk to were other international students, who all had far more interesting things to do with their time. My roommate was admittedly a nice guy, but I hated him. I couldn't stand to be around him. He wasn't aware of the differences between US and Chinese gamer culture so I couldn't even ask about where one buys games because I'm pretty sure everyone he knew pirated everything. What I'll always remember about him is the chewing. He chewed with his mouth open on everything, and nothing. There'd be nothing in his fucking mouth, and he'd still be making smacking noises. And there's no way I'd ask him to stop, because that's rude, you know? Yes I can be petty. I am extremely fucking petty. But you can shut your fucking mouth, at least when you're eating. You have every right to eat and act however you please, but I have every right to be pissed off and fume silently about it.

And now I'm back in the States... and there's nothing here for me. Some people who may or may not read this might be surprised to learn I don't really have any friends here, particularly surprised if you thought you were a friend. Everyone I know at school is an acquaintance at best. There's no one I hang out with or talk to on a regular basis, and very few of the people I do know have anything in common with me. In fact, if one were to have lots in common with me I'd probably be less likely to be their friend, because as should be obvious I'm not really the most friendly or agreeable person out there. I'd imagine that a perfect personality match for me would be a self-centered asshole with no social skills or anything of interest to say. Even other guys with esoteric hobbies and lack of social skills have far more redeeming qualities than I do.

I have no plans here. I don't know what I want to do with my life, professionally or otherwise. I don't have any networking skills, and I have no worthwhile experience or job prospects due to how fucking useless I am. I chose the wrong major. East Asian Studies is interesting but by no means a passion of mine. I should have gone into computers due to my interest in gaming, but I sucked when I first tried. And in case it's not obvious I have the tendency to give up on things. I even gave up on this blog for the longest time, repeatedly, and I plan on making a new blog in future which I am at present equally pessimistic about.

I guess this is where I should talk about the relationship topic. I feel awful having to talk about this, but it'd be worse if I kept dancing around the issue. Firstly I need to be honest and say that I'm not in a relationship anymore. Both me and Xiaohuan have gone over this a number of times and as confused as things may be, we both know we're not in love with one another. We might resume dating if nothing changes once we meet again, even though we probably shouldn't. But we're friends. I can't say "just friends" because that would belittle what we have. She's my best friend and my ex at the same time, and as noxious as that sounds to having healthy relationships, it's often the only thing keeping me going. I often wish I could be in love with her, and chances are good it's true with her as well. But we're not a good match when it comes down to it. We know we're not in love because we've been in love with others in the past. And we don't feel the same about each other. Lying about that would only make things worse in the end. We only have a few interests in common, and none of our passions overlap. I'm a politically-minded gamer, and she looks at life as more of an artist. We could put aside our differences but then we'd be lying about those things that matter to us. It would be more underlying tension than our relationship could bear. But we still understand each other, and that's what makes us stronger. And fuck you too if you want to say that's unhealthy or wrong. What would you have us do, stop talking to each other? We may not be in a relationship, but I'm not abandoning her. That's the opposite of what either of us want.

I should finish with what I'm looking for: I have no fucking clue. I'm still obsessed with the idea of love, more so than is healthy, and I don't know what to do about it. Get a life? I'd still want to share it with someone. I felt love before and I want to know what it's like to have those feelings returned. I don't care if it was a superficial infatuation that never even approached friendship. I fell in love and it gave me some sense of hope or purpose, and the rejection was absolutely crushing. I could only dream what happiness on the same scale would feel like. Don't tell me it's nothing special if you've felt it before, especially not if you're in a happy relationship now. How could you say that about the love of your life? All I'm saying is I want to experience that too. Not that it's likely. Look at what I've written so far. Who could love such a hopeless wanker? Anyone who'd care to notice could see past the incredibly fake smile and weak friendliness and see this overbearing melancholy that they want no part of. And where am I to find someone who'd put meaning into my life? I've already mentioned how difficult I'd find people with any traits similar to mine, and that much self-loathing is worse than useless. So it'd have to be someone who not only shares all my interests and passions, but is also the exact opposite of my collective personality traits. And can you imagine what the odds of that happening are when my pettiness and none-too-special appearance come into play, so that both of us have to be attracted to each other at the same time? Get fucking real...

Well... I've basically outlined my path to failure and misery then, right? Wasn't that interesting? Aren't you glad you read this far to see how impossible I've made my own life? I'm sure it's all riveting stuff, but I don't expect any more than one person to read through this and still have a jot of respect for me in the slightest. Anything else would be nuts. I just needed to get this out there. Been on my mind ever since I got back.

1 comment:

  1. im brimming with respect for you... reading this i see a very inteligent, realistic, honest and self aware man who wouldnt hurt or harm anyone. you have a great deal going for you but its the deeper stuff that all these vacuous, shallow, social stars and pretty boys are lacking. they are all surface. dont compare your skills to others... thouse people arnt the kind of people you want to be so its not suprising you cant really get allong with them. maybe in the future you will be able to look back on your china experiance, when your ready for it, and enjoy the memories. it sounds very sensable and totaly understandable about your relationship. some people cling on to lovless ones becuase they are scared of never finding someone else, but your doing the right thing there. other peoples eating habbits fuck me off too. I want to punch people that make noises sometimes.

    your in a place right now that doesnt fit in with you.. its not that you dont fit in with it. there are other culty godless libberals out there, we just all think we are loosers and dont like going out.

    this is a great blog post that you really poored your soul in to. awesom writing that i culdnt stop reading.

    im hope you found some release.