Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Because I know no better

Maybe now I ought to write how I feel at the moment.

I wish I knew more about how you feel. About him, about me, about life. But that knowledge would only be a means to me, not an end. I'm not especially jealous, and I shouldn't be, considering everything I put you through. I want to know so that I can understand better and try to help you get through it. I just hate seeing you suffer. That's partly what happened when I first said I'd change and try harder. It had to be rammed into my skull, but I realized the extent to which you were suffering because of my obliviousness.

And now I see you suffering because of old wounds and continuing uncertainty. And I'm afraid because I don't know what to do when it's too much for you to bear. I wish I could ease your burden, make it easier to get through the day. But sometimes I'm just not sure what to do. I'm trying, and I'm going to try as hard as I can this semester. If all goes as planned there should be a lot of great memories at the end of it. I just hope it will be enough for you to go on, that maybe it'll lift your spirits and give you more confidence in finding your own happiness in life. To be a part of that would be a great honor for me. It would be a part of my own happiness.

I know the heartbreak you felt and the memories you bear are far worse than anything I've ever had to experience, but to some degree I understand. That's why I want you to know that I'm here. I'll try to understand what's tearing you up inside, and share the pain just to let you know you're not alone. You're not. As long as we're together I'll be here for you. Talk to me if you need to. Let me know what I need to do. Don't shy away from telling the truth. All that matters is that we get through it as best as we can, and enjoy what we have along the way.

You said I like you because I think you're the person you pretend to be. That's not true. I like you for you. I don't expect you to be sunny all the time, but when you're not I want you to know I'm here, and I'll listen and support you as best as I can. And as for the pretending: You remember Nyu? She's the girl Lucy said she'd be if she never had horns. But to some degree that's who she really was, when the voice of her instincts didn't have control over her. Do you really want to be cute and cheerful? I think you are, when the world allows you to be. But you're stronger than that, strong enough to be cheerful in spite of the world. I don't think being angry often makes that cheerfulness any less genuine. Everyone has more than one dimension to them, and happiness is another dimension in your life too. I want to help you be who you want to be. It takes strength to be cute ;)

And you are cute in spite of your troubles, Xiaohuan.


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