I don't know what I can say to begin to atone for what I've done, the things I've said, how thoughtless I've been. I didn't realize how badly you hurt, all because of me. You don't have any reason to believe me when I say I never wanted to hurt you. You may never forgive me for what I said that night, when I didn't realize what I was saying. It was so thoughtless it doesn't matter if I meant it or not, the injury was all the same. And everything prior to that, when you already had enough of my insubstantial troubles, when I was so neglecting your feelings by pining for someone else, while you were right there, all along. Your patience and forgiveness have been pushed to their limits, and it's far more than I could have ever asked for.
And even now as you show your kindness yet again, I begin to doubt that I can ever truly forgive myself. I'm trying. I'm trying to move on. I'm trying to leave her be, in life and in mind, trying to appreciate what I have now. The fact that I so badly jeopardized what we had, and was so oblivious to your pain... I know you hate promises, so I'll try instead. I can never make it up to you, but I'll try. I'm not even sure I can say I'm a good person, but I'm trying.
I just can't believe I didn't know all this before. I can't believe I actually had to learn it, and now of all times. I am learning though. I may be a complete idiot, but I can still learn. How could I not after all I've put you through? After having it hammered home so thoroughly, there's no more illusions, no more fantasies, no more games. I'm trying to appreciate what we really have, here, now. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I've said that before, but it's more pressing than ever, to the point where every waking moment I fear that I've lost you. This will be bearing down on me for some time, no matter what happens, I imagine. Oh God... I'm sorry.
It's only been a few days, but I miss you more than ever. I want to see you again. I'm not sure I can hold back the tears when that happens. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't want to lose you.
You're my best friend, Xiaohuan.
I love you.
:*
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Cthulhu fhtagn
He may be a fictional entity, but the Great Priest Cthulhu still has a far-reaching hold on many in the gaming culture. The nerdier you are, the more likely you are to know who Cthulhu and Yog-sothoth and Dagon are. Which is pretty much the reason I know all about them.
In case you didn't know, I have the habit of maintaining an obsession over a particular subject or activity which leads to me knowing it inside and out, before I lose interest and promptly drop it for something else, while retaining some encyclopedic knowledge. When I was a kid these things would include the Marx Brothers, dinosaurs, the Titanic, and Monty Python. More recently I've been fixated on Halo, zombies, Fable, and currently the Cthulhu Mythos. That's why just about every other thing I've had in my mind for the past week or so has in some way been Cthulhu-related.
For those fortunate enough to be ignorant of the mind-twisting horror of the Mythos, Cthulhu is a fictitious ancient alien creature locked away in a city at the bottom of the ocean, psychically influencing humans on the surface to do his bidding and hasten his return so that he may bring about his reign of madness on the earth. Maybe you've seen depictions of his distinctive appearance: a colossal humanoid creature with a scale-coated body, talons, giant non-functional wings, and a head resembling an octopus. He's mentioned in many of H.P. Lovecraft's short stories, and is the subject of the story "The Call of Cthulhu". Lovecraft's work is typically classified as "cosmic horror", a genre of horror that focuses on sources of terror on a universal scale. The basic idea is that the universe itself is alien and apathetic, humanity is insignificant in light of this, and there are creatures greater than ourselves in both knowledge and power whose scope, scale, and form would drive any of us insane if we were to catch a glimpse of them. Essentially there is nothing anyone could do when confronted by this truth except try to maintain one's composure, since human science and abilities pale in comparison to the awesome power of these alien horrors. It's a genuinely unsettling notion and makes for some great fiction.
Although Lovecraft's stories in of themselves may not be for everyone. At first I had a great deal of trouble trying to follow what he was even saying. His writing style is dense and almost archaic, and he spends a great deal of time on detailing the environment. This would be fine if Lovecraft did not have a thing for describing New England architecture in very extensive detail. I'm still not exactly sure what's supposed to be horrifying about urban decay or the insanity of the dreaded Cyclopean masonry. How exactly is an angle maddening? The stories themselves are almost always the same, too. A bourgeois, aristocratic, rational, Anglo-Saxon man is traveling through New England for completely mundane reasons, such as collecting an inheritance or sightseeing (architecture of course); the man then comes across a terrible, dark, and ancient truth underlying the whole of human existence; thus he goes insane. That's it. I dunno, it still works oftentimes.
Oh, and Lovecraft himself was a racist. Yeah, it's kind of obvious in his work too. For instance, Lovecraft describes the mad cultists in "The Call of Cthulhu" as "men of a very low, mixed-blooded, and mentally aberrant type", since being half-black is somehow supposed to be a mental detriment in this case. And in "The Shadow Over Innsmouth" many characters attribute the horrible biological degeneration of the Innsmouth townsfolk as being the result of mixed blood from Asia or the South Pacific. He also had antisemitic beliefs, which is odd considering he married a woman of Ukrainian-Jewish ancestry. His racial hatred dimmed somewhat as he became more well-rounded in his travels interacting with people of different ethnic backgrounds, but he was still a bastard.
Anyway, the themes that lend to his horror stories still have a great deal of influence to the point where many consider Lovecraft to be the most influential horror writer of the 20th century, which is probably justified. I'd recommend anyone to give it a look. The fear of the unknown and unknowable is certainly more effective and memorable than the excuses for "horror" that are modern slasher films. And some of the creatures portrayed in Lovecraft's stories are in of themselves genuinely terrifying. Ever hear tell of a shoggoth?
These are the kinds of themes I keep in mind when trying (or trying to try) to write my own stories, although not necessarily featuring alien monsters. But the kind of maltheism that appears in his work still intrigues me, which is a main theme in the series I'm working on, if I ever get around to doing it.
Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, gaming. Somehow the Cthulhu Mythos managed to gain a footing in the world of role-playing, since there actually is a Call of Cthulhu role-playing game, which I intend to get, if the gaming company that makes it will get around to accepting my orders. I've even gone so far as to get specially crafted glow-in-the-dark Cthulhu Mythos polyhedral dice, complete with an Elder Sign on one side of each die. That's right. Cthulhu d20. I went there.
For the time being though, I've been fixated on this one bit of Cthulhu gaming which has been taking up more of my time than it ought to, and that is Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth, for the Xbox. As far as I know, this is the first and only attempt at an adaptation of Cthulhu literature into a video game. In case it wasn't obvious, it plays like a survival horror game, with limited puzzle-solving and shooter gameplay elements. Despite the title, it's more of an adaptation of "The Shadow over Innsmouth" than anything, although it makes references to several other works, including "The Call of Cthulhu", "The Shadow Out of Time", and "The Rats in the Walls". The fact that it's Cthulhu-inspired is reason enough to get a hold of a copy, and it's not really that bad. It certainly has kept my attention, hasn't it?
But I do have problems with it, and more than the common bugs and glitches associated with playing an old Xbox game on a 360 (I should get one of the original consoles for these purposes). I guess the game would have been better if there were more resources put into it. It was made by a small company called Headfirst Productions that went bankrupt while it was still working on the second in a planned trilogy of Cthulhu games. It's actually pretty ambitious for such a small company to try something like this, an M-rated survival-horror with profanity and a great deal of blood and gore, and a lot of people were probably hoping this would be a really good game. I'd support any kind of effort to make another Lovecraftian video game adaptation a reality.
As for Dark Corners, I've been thinking of reviewing it, since I have yet to find a satisfactory review or playthrough of it. Sure, there are videos of how to play through the basics, but nothing very amusing for someone like me who thrives on video entertainment, especially when related to games. I'd definitely like to review it in the form of a video, but I don't know how to record video game footage and I'm not sure I'd have the resources to record and edit a lengthy video review of the entire game. But it's something I'd really like to do if anyone could point me in the right direction. If I can't do that, I could always do a text review. Not that I'd find that satisfactory. I think this little niche of gaming deserves something more substantial and entertaining.
In the meantime I'll wait for those damn dice.
I'a Cthulhu! I'a Dagon!
In case you didn't know, I have the habit of maintaining an obsession over a particular subject or activity which leads to me knowing it inside and out, before I lose interest and promptly drop it for something else, while retaining some encyclopedic knowledge. When I was a kid these things would include the Marx Brothers, dinosaurs, the Titanic, and Monty Python. More recently I've been fixated on Halo, zombies, Fable, and currently the Cthulhu Mythos. That's why just about every other thing I've had in my mind for the past week or so has in some way been Cthulhu-related.
For those fortunate enough to be ignorant of the mind-twisting horror of the Mythos, Cthulhu is a fictitious ancient alien creature locked away in a city at the bottom of the ocean, psychically influencing humans on the surface to do his bidding and hasten his return so that he may bring about his reign of madness on the earth. Maybe you've seen depictions of his distinctive appearance: a colossal humanoid creature with a scale-coated body, talons, giant non-functional wings, and a head resembling an octopus. He's mentioned in many of H.P. Lovecraft's short stories, and is the subject of the story "The Call of Cthulhu". Lovecraft's work is typically classified as "cosmic horror", a genre of horror that focuses on sources of terror on a universal scale. The basic idea is that the universe itself is alien and apathetic, humanity is insignificant in light of this, and there are creatures greater than ourselves in both knowledge and power whose scope, scale, and form would drive any of us insane if we were to catch a glimpse of them. Essentially there is nothing anyone could do when confronted by this truth except try to maintain one's composure, since human science and abilities pale in comparison to the awesome power of these alien horrors. It's a genuinely unsettling notion and makes for some great fiction.
Although Lovecraft's stories in of themselves may not be for everyone. At first I had a great deal of trouble trying to follow what he was even saying. His writing style is dense and almost archaic, and he spends a great deal of time on detailing the environment. This would be fine if Lovecraft did not have a thing for describing New England architecture in very extensive detail. I'm still not exactly sure what's supposed to be horrifying about urban decay or the insanity of the dreaded Cyclopean masonry. How exactly is an angle maddening? The stories themselves are almost always the same, too. A bourgeois, aristocratic, rational, Anglo-Saxon man is traveling through New England for completely mundane reasons, such as collecting an inheritance or sightseeing (architecture of course); the man then comes across a terrible, dark, and ancient truth underlying the whole of human existence; thus he goes insane. That's it. I dunno, it still works oftentimes.
Oh, and Lovecraft himself was a racist. Yeah, it's kind of obvious in his work too. For instance, Lovecraft describes the mad cultists in "The Call of Cthulhu" as "men of a very low, mixed-blooded, and mentally aberrant type", since being half-black is somehow supposed to be a mental detriment in this case. And in "The Shadow Over Innsmouth" many characters attribute the horrible biological degeneration of the Innsmouth townsfolk as being the result of mixed blood from Asia or the South Pacific. He also had antisemitic beliefs, which is odd considering he married a woman of Ukrainian-Jewish ancestry. His racial hatred dimmed somewhat as he became more well-rounded in his travels interacting with people of different ethnic backgrounds, but he was still a bastard.
Anyway, the themes that lend to his horror stories still have a great deal of influence to the point where many consider Lovecraft to be the most influential horror writer of the 20th century, which is probably justified. I'd recommend anyone to give it a look. The fear of the unknown and unknowable is certainly more effective and memorable than the excuses for "horror" that are modern slasher films. And some of the creatures portrayed in Lovecraft's stories are in of themselves genuinely terrifying. Ever hear tell of a shoggoth?
These are the kinds of themes I keep in mind when trying (or trying to try) to write my own stories, although not necessarily featuring alien monsters. But the kind of maltheism that appears in his work still intrigues me, which is a main theme in the series I'm working on, if I ever get around to doing it.
Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, gaming. Somehow the Cthulhu Mythos managed to gain a footing in the world of role-playing, since there actually is a Call of Cthulhu role-playing game, which I intend to get, if the gaming company that makes it will get around to accepting my orders. I've even gone so far as to get specially crafted glow-in-the-dark Cthulhu Mythos polyhedral dice, complete with an Elder Sign on one side of each die. That's right. Cthulhu d20. I went there.
For the time being though, I've been fixated on this one bit of Cthulhu gaming which has been taking up more of my time than it ought to, and that is Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth, for the Xbox. As far as I know, this is the first and only attempt at an adaptation of Cthulhu literature into a video game. In case it wasn't obvious, it plays like a survival horror game, with limited puzzle-solving and shooter gameplay elements. Despite the title, it's more of an adaptation of "The Shadow over Innsmouth" than anything, although it makes references to several other works, including "The Call of Cthulhu", "The Shadow Out of Time", and "The Rats in the Walls". The fact that it's Cthulhu-inspired is reason enough to get a hold of a copy, and it's not really that bad. It certainly has kept my attention, hasn't it?
But I do have problems with it, and more than the common bugs and glitches associated with playing an old Xbox game on a 360 (I should get one of the original consoles for these purposes). I guess the game would have been better if there were more resources put into it. It was made by a small company called Headfirst Productions that went bankrupt while it was still working on the second in a planned trilogy of Cthulhu games. It's actually pretty ambitious for such a small company to try something like this, an M-rated survival-horror with profanity and a great deal of blood and gore, and a lot of people were probably hoping this would be a really good game. I'd support any kind of effort to make another Lovecraftian video game adaptation a reality.
As for Dark Corners, I've been thinking of reviewing it, since I have yet to find a satisfactory review or playthrough of it. Sure, there are videos of how to play through the basics, but nothing very amusing for someone like me who thrives on video entertainment, especially when related to games. I'd definitely like to review it in the form of a video, but I don't know how to record video game footage and I'm not sure I'd have the resources to record and edit a lengthy video review of the entire game. But it's something I'd really like to do if anyone could point me in the right direction. If I can't do that, I could always do a text review. Not that I'd find that satisfactory. I think this little niche of gaming deserves something more substantial and entertaining.
In the meantime I'll wait for those damn dice.
I'a Cthulhu! I'a Dagon!
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Is it possible?
Could it be that I've been overstating my faults and keeping myself down needlessly? Do I really have some kind of personal appeal? To be honest I seriously have to ask myself this since the concept of actually being likable is fairly new to me. Ever since all that bullshit I went through in high school I felt like the same factors were making any semblance of contentment impossible. But now it seems like I might have a shot at what in my mind is a "normal life".
From what I can tell, I should be accepting the quirks and problems that I've developed in my social life and making them more of a part of my personality, which oddly enough is not necessarily incompatible with making and keeping friends. I'm still unbelievably awkward and fairly oblivious to what would be considered appropriate when trying to engage in social activity (even for things like talking), but I'm amazed to find there are actually people who are willing to accept that as part of who I am. It's hard a lot of the time, but I shouldn't be so pessimistic or neurotic.
I just have to try and take more chances. Evidently it's not as risky as I thought.
From what I can tell, I should be accepting the quirks and problems that I've developed in my social life and making them more of a part of my personality, which oddly enough is not necessarily incompatible with making and keeping friends. I'm still unbelievably awkward and fairly oblivious to what would be considered appropriate when trying to engage in social activity (even for things like talking), but I'm amazed to find there are actually people who are willing to accept that as part of who I am. It's hard a lot of the time, but I shouldn't be so pessimistic or neurotic.
I just have to try and take more chances. Evidently it's not as risky as I thought.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Possible blog redemption
Obviously enough this blog has kind of fallen over the edge of the earth in terms of the amount of time and energy I put into it. Even now I'm too busy to be writing anything of length, and this post in of itself is distracting me from something I need to be doing right now.
But after that I might be able to put some more time into writing my thoughts and ideas here, since a lack of expression in of itself has been terminating any meaningful thought and making it harder to think of things in a positive light.
So among the things I'm thinking of doing once I have time, there's the Doodlemastery Bible School (Christ, we're not even past the third chapter, are we?), some text reviews of either a couple video games or that dvd I mentioned in late August (I think), and some ideas for stories I've been turning about it my head. Being Lovecraftian horror stories, they may not be what people would like to read or think about, but whatever.
In the meantime I'll be doing my best not to lose my damn mind. It's bad enough that I have to write a paper by the end of the week, but adding on that social problems, both perceived and actual, it becomes neigh unbearable. I'm hardly making any progress overcoming my social anxieties and improving my social skills. I almost feel as if I ought to ask for one of those service programs for the mentally challenged, not as a volunteer but as one of those people who need help. If I don't seem like that kind of person, you have no idea.
Why couldn't we have gone on talking about TV shows forever?
But after that I might be able to put some more time into writing my thoughts and ideas here, since a lack of expression in of itself has been terminating any meaningful thought and making it harder to think of things in a positive light.
So among the things I'm thinking of doing once I have time, there's the Doodlemastery Bible School (Christ, we're not even past the third chapter, are we?), some text reviews of either a couple video games or that dvd I mentioned in late August (I think), and some ideas for stories I've been turning about it my head. Being Lovecraftian horror stories, they may not be what people would like to read or think about, but whatever.
In the meantime I'll be doing my best not to lose my damn mind. It's bad enough that I have to write a paper by the end of the week, but adding on that social problems, both perceived and actual, it becomes neigh unbearable. I'm hardly making any progress overcoming my social anxieties and improving my social skills. I almost feel as if I ought to ask for one of those service programs for the mentally challenged, not as a volunteer but as one of those people who need help. If I don't seem like that kind of person, you have no idea.
Why couldn't we have gone on talking about TV shows forever?
Sunday, October 4, 2009
I'm confused, and I'm still a slacker.
Why do I have to be so infatuated? It's been going through my mind for over a year now, and I haven't made any real progress one way or the other. I guess I'm just not cut out for this sort of thing. Everything is too complicated for me to manage well. I don't even know what I really want anymore. Maybe I should have been true to my word and focused on academics. But then academics don't occupy my thoughts every other minute of every day. I almost hate to admit to being so tethered to it, but I can't avoid it if it's so persistent in my life. I'm in love and I don't know what to do about it.
I can't even begin to write how much this has affected me, so I'm just going to drown those thoughts in homework and Youtube videos for several hours. I might be too awkward to say it any other way, but I wish you the best.
I can't even begin to write how much this has affected me, so I'm just going to drown those thoughts in homework and Youtube videos for several hours. I might be too awkward to say it any other way, but I wish you the best.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Smile paradox
I'm told that smiling is attractive and one should smile often.
However I'm also told that faking a smile is obvious to most and is unattractive.
So what happens if you have no reason to smile and if you do have reason to smile you can't do so naturally?
Awkwardness ensues. Yeah...
It's hard to explain. I want to smile and every so often I'll have good reason to, but even then smiling doesn't come naturally. Involuntary expression is fleeting with me; usually it only occurs when I'm laughing or crying. Sometimes I'll smile if I feel so awkward that I don't know what to say except that I'm really happy to be there (which I can never bring myself to say). But all too often if I'm genuinely being nice to someone, I can't bring myself to smile without doing so consciously, as though I'm acting when I'm actually just trying to express what I really feel.
The fact that I can't interpret others well doesn't help either. I can usually tell when someone really doesn't want to be around me, but I really, really don't know when someone wants to be near me or hear what I have to say, unless they actively engage in conversation. When it comes to more heartfelt matters, this can be incredibly painful...
No matter what course of action I take, I'm always the sucker. I can't win except by chance.
However I'm also told that faking a smile is obvious to most and is unattractive.
So what happens if you have no reason to smile and if you do have reason to smile you can't do so naturally?
Awkwardness ensues. Yeah...
It's hard to explain. I want to smile and every so often I'll have good reason to, but even then smiling doesn't come naturally. Involuntary expression is fleeting with me; usually it only occurs when I'm laughing or crying. Sometimes I'll smile if I feel so awkward that I don't know what to say except that I'm really happy to be there (which I can never bring myself to say). But all too often if I'm genuinely being nice to someone, I can't bring myself to smile without doing so consciously, as though I'm acting when I'm actually just trying to express what I really feel.
The fact that I can't interpret others well doesn't help either. I can usually tell when someone really doesn't want to be around me, but I really, really don't know when someone wants to be near me or hear what I have to say, unless they actively engage in conversation. When it comes to more heartfelt matters, this can be incredibly painful...
No matter what course of action I take, I'm always the sucker. I can't win except by chance.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
I'm still a slacker
Well, maybe not academically. But obviously enough I haven't been keeping up with my promise to maintain daily posting and weekly Bible reviews. These past few days have been busier than I would have thought, mostly with readings that consume more time than I was prepared to lend to study time. But my priorities are set, so unfortunately the blog comes second (or third if you want to count extracurricular activities and stuff). That being said, I'm much happier here than I was at home, where I had no prospects for independence or a social life. At the very least I'm trying to keep up with work and other responsibilities.
I'll try to make it up to the readers though, however few readers there are. I'll cover more Bible chapters in my reviews from here on out (more than one per week). Since I missed a review this week, I'll cover the next two chapters in Genesis this coming Sunday. We need learned Bible-readers, after all.
I'm also glad to say that the secularist group is finally coming together, in the form of the United Secularist Students. After getting the necessary signatures we'll be able to take part in Activities Night next Monday. So if you're a Dickinson College student and you're reading this, show your support for promoting science and reason by signing up for the USS. You may be hearing more of our activities here too.
So... yeah. I'm still busy even now as it's approaching midnight, and since this connection still sucks and will only sometimes connect to Facebook, I won't be able to post this as a link on Facebook until tomorrow. Also I have a job interview tomorrow, so hopefully that goes well.
Later peeps.
I'll try to make it up to the readers though, however few readers there are. I'll cover more Bible chapters in my reviews from here on out (more than one per week). Since I missed a review this week, I'll cover the next two chapters in Genesis this coming Sunday. We need learned Bible-readers, after all.
I'm also glad to say that the secularist group is finally coming together, in the form of the United Secularist Students. After getting the necessary signatures we'll be able to take part in Activities Night next Monday. So if you're a Dickinson College student and you're reading this, show your support for promoting science and reason by signing up for the USS. You may be hearing more of our activities here too.
So... yeah. I'm still busy even now as it's approaching midnight, and since this connection still sucks and will only sometimes connect to Facebook, I won't be able to post this as a link on Facebook until tomorrow. Also I have a job interview tomorrow, so hopefully that goes well.
Later peeps.
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