Is it possible?

Could it be that I've been overstating my faults and keeping myself down needlessly? Do I really have some kind of personal appeal? To be honest I seriously have to ask myself this since the concept of actually being likable is fairly new to me. Ever since all that bullshit I went through in high school I felt like the same factors were making any semblance of contentment impossible. But now it seems like I might have a shot at what in my mind is a "normal life".

From what I can tell, I should be accepting the quirks and problems that I've developed in my social life and making them more of a part of my personality, which oddly enough is not necessarily incompatible with making and keeping friends. I'm still unbelievably awkward and fairly oblivious to what would be considered appropriate when trying to engage in social activity (even for things like talking), but I'm amazed to find there are actually people who are willing to accept that as part of who I am. It's hard a lot of the time, but I shouldn't be so pessimistic or neurotic.

I just have to try and take more chances. Evidently it's not as risky as I thought.

Possible blog redemption

Obviously enough this blog has kind of fallen over the edge of the earth in terms of the amount of time and energy I put into it. Even now I'm too busy to be writing anything of length, and this post in of itself is distracting me from something I need to be doing right now.

But after that I might be able to put some more time into writing my thoughts and ideas here, since a lack of expression in of itself has been terminating any meaningful thought and making it harder to think of things in a positive light.

So among the things I'm thinking of doing once I have time, there's the Doodlemastery Bible School (Christ, we're not even past the third chapter, are we?), some text reviews of either a couple video games or that dvd I mentioned in late August (I think), and some ideas for stories I've been turning about it my head. Being Lovecraftian horror stories, they may not be what people would like to read or think about, but whatever.

In the meantime I'll be doing my best not to lose my damn mind. It's bad enough that I have to write a paper by the end of the week, but adding on that social problems, both perceived and actual, it becomes neigh unbearable. I'm hardly making any progress overcoming my social anxieties and improving my social skills. I almost feel as if I ought to ask for one of those service programs for the mentally challenged, not as a volunteer but as one of those people who need help. If I don't seem like that kind of person, you have no idea.

Why couldn't we have gone on talking about TV shows forever?

Smile paradox

I'm told that smiling is attractive and one should smile often.

However I'm also told that faking a smile is obvious to most and is unattractive.

So what happens if you have no reason to smile and if you do have reason to smile you can't do so naturally?

Awkwardness ensues. Yeah...

It's hard to explain. I want to smile and every so often I'll have good reason to, but even then smiling doesn't come naturally. Involuntary expression is fleeting with me; usually it only occurs when I'm laughing or crying. Sometimes I'll smile if I feel so awkward that I don't know what to say except that I'm really happy to be there (which I can never bring myself to say). But all too often if I'm genuinely being nice to someone, I can't bring myself to smile without doing so consciously, as though I'm acting when I'm actually just trying to express what I really feel.

The fact that I can't interpret others well doesn't help either. I can usually tell when someone really doesn't want to be around me, but I really, really don't know when someone wants to be near me or hear what I have to say, unless they actively engage in conversation. When it comes to more heartfelt matters, this can be incredibly painful...

No matter what course of action I take, I'm always the sucker. I can't win except by chance.

Confidence problems.

It's hard not to have them when your family's relationships are best defined by mutual disrespect. My parents don't respect my sisters, my sisters don't respect me or my mom, and nobody really respects my dad. The whole religious guilt equation doesn't help either.

All of it just builds into my fear of not being taken seriously. Especially since all my school years were filled with me being a spaz and all my "friends" being sure that I was mentally impaired. And aforementioned family feels the need to scold me for minor mistakes as though it indicated something was terribly wrong with me. Just today we were ordering takeout (from a friend's house that's a ways away, since my dad has a tendency to inform me of these things at the last minute, so some of my virtual crops withered) and as soon as I got the menu my sister told me to hurry up. They took their time looking at the menu so I don't know why I got a warning even though I hadn't done anything. And then when they called the place up we were told they ran out of one side dish I'd ordered, I asked for a little clarification and my sister scolded me again saying "Just. Pick. Something." As if I couldn't grasp that concept. I hate being talked down to like that.

I don't know if this has to do with their awareness of the fact that I (and possibly my dad) have Asperger's Syndrome, but it shows a pretty cruel interpretation of it, where somehow my being aware of it means I'm still responsible for the way my minds works. (I'm still worrisome about the idea that I may become more like my dad in the future, both slow and impatient.) And I don't know what this means for the people I know at school. My social anxiety is not nearly as bad as it used to be, but when I lack confidence in myself it tends to show in the way I act around others. I don't know what some people would think if they knew that I talk to myself in private at times or that I flap my hands when I get excited. I'm getting better I guess, but some things will never change.

At least I have some more direction right now. (I pretty much typed this up because I couldn't think of much else to write about. Enjoy my complaining rants!)

I'm a slacker

And I suck at getting jobs on campus. I thought Dining Services was always hiring... Apparently they're all full. I should have done this first year, but there you are.

I've been lagging behind on pretty much everything: socializing, job searching, studying, and writing. I've yet to finish my review of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, which I need to get out of the way sooner or later since that piece of shit really deserves a once-over. With pipes.

Also I haven't really written much that's in a positive light of any kind, and the only personal information I've cared to disclose is probably too sensitive for most peeps my age to touch. At least that's what the comment count suggests. No, I'm not going to dumb down my attitude towards religion and pseudoscience. That's a part of who I am, and goddammit it's interesting to talk about. At the very least it's a critically important topic.

I'll have to do more to advertise my blog, but first I actually need something to work with. So starting today I'm going to be posting daily, just to get anything that's on my mind down into text where it could be more meaningful.

Because seriously, summer alone blows. At least it's almost over.

To start off these daily triads and rants, I guess I could talk a little about the coming semester on campus. I'm really looking forward to seeing everyone again, although sometimes I ask myself why. It's not like I had such promise in the previous year, either socially or academically. The academic troubles are entirely due to my being a slacker and I'm trying to get my GPA up so that studying abroad is a more viable option, but the social issues continue to mystify me. I often feel like I haven't connected with anyone in a meaningful way, and if I have it's hard to say my efforts have been acknowledged.

Every now and then I make an effort to keep regular contact with someone and the favor is rarely returned. I find myself telling classmates to keep me in the loop because I'm especially inept when it comes to staying in touch with others, and they just don't. Do I have to call every time to ask? Is that how it works? Is that only how it works with certain people? Nobody tells me, so how am I supposed to know? I've made the mistake of being overly eager when it comes to getting to know somebody and trying to hang out with them, but nobody told me this was a mistake even when they knew how unbelievably awkward I am. I feel like such a pest sometimes. And then when I give people time to think my requests over, they evidently think me away, since almost nobody calls me back. I have no idea what the middle ground is, since I've never had a "normal" social life, the kind where you just get to know people you see every day and meet up with the people you like. I don't know what that's like.

And it doesn't help my self-esteem either when almost everyone I try to talk to seems like they'd rather be somewhere else. It would actually be refreshing if a would-be acquaintance just told me to fuck off. At least then it wouldn't be a guessing game. I hate to sound so pessimistic, but how else am I supposed to react when so few people ask anything of me? I've heard that people like to talk about themselves and will prefer when someone shows interest in their lives, yet somehow many see fit to answer me in monosyllabic responses and then end the flow of the conversation then and there.

It's not as if I like being alone. Really, I can't stand it. I've had over three years to get used to being disliked and avoided and spending so much time by myself, and it turns out I'm not very durable. I don't bend, I break. I'm not sure I can ever get used to that kind of isolation. I'm just too damn sensitive. Yeah, wearing my heart on my sleeve is a bad move, but I can't let anyone get the idea that I prefer to be this way or that I'm especially impervious to emotional stress.

I don't know. Am I that unappealing? I'm not sure what to change. I've been trying to appear as nice as I genuinely feel towards people. Do I seem disingenuous? I can't really help it. I tried explaining to people that I don't express my heartfelt emotions naturally, and that's it's really an exercise in acting every time, even though the feelings are all real. And you could say my classmates have been nice to me in return, which they have, but I know that people can just be nice out of courtesy. Often I take their word for it and it doesn't necessarily end well.

Another point about the overly-eager problem I have: I've read in a book about love for people with Asperger's Syndrome, and apparently the appeal women often see in men with Asperger's is their apparent independence of socializing or pursuits in a love life ("apparent" being the key word since aspies greatly differ from those with autism in that they desire more social contact and acceptance), like getting a break from men who are too eager to enter into a relationship or get into bed. This just makes it worse for me since in that regard I've blown it. I'm always so eager to find some kind of connection with someone, and with my awkwardness that must kill whatever appeal there ever was in me. It's so rarely an intellectual matter for me, so I don't identify with that aspect of the Syndrome.

It's a painful learning process to say the least. I just have to keep going and try not to repeat my mistakes. Still though, I can't help but feel like I'm just not getting enough in return. Whatever I do, I'm not going to pretend. I might be socially impaired, but I know there should be more to a social life than making your personality a complete fabrication.

It's not all bad though, I guess. I'm going to be talking to people more often now that our campus group for secularists if finally getting off the ground. And that's something I'm going to be working on a lot of the time, so my interests in science and rationality at least have a place in my efforts to connect with others. And it's not as though I'm giving up on the campus job search. I won't accept unemployment as an option this semester, so there's another place I could familiarize myself with other students. I still wish I could get that job in the Dining Hall though. You pretty much see everybody that way.

I'm only 20. I have time.